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Hey woody!

I can chalk up six straight years of tricking when I would rather have had six straight years of wedded bliss.  I just got my MBA so I even tried using a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with an overall marketing, advertising and public relations plan. Woody, if my love life were a reality show Donald Trump would have yelled “You’re Fired!”

 Do you have any suggestions to break the curse and break in a boyfriend?

—  Hoping for hope 

 

Hey woody!

need woodI can chalk up six straight years of tricking when I would rather have had six straight years of wedded bliss.  I just got my MBA so I even tried using a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with an overall marketing, advertising and public relations plan. Woody, if my love life were a reality show Donald Trump would have yelled “You’re Fired!”

 Do you have any suggestions to break the curse and break in a boyfriend?

—  Hoping for hope 

 Dear Hoping:

You guys with MBAs kill me, thinking you can approach love the way you approach business. 

You can’t use corporate tactics to improve your bottom’s line.  Don’t believe me?  Then why do I get so many letters from businessmen like you who ask themselves:  “How can I be so successful in business and so lousy in love?”

 Here’s why:  Because business strategies focus on objective, external circumstances rather than subjective, internal attitudes.  And it’s your attitude, not your strategy that will get you laid.  I mean, married.  Well, both.

 Rather than using the strategies of successful businesses you’re better off using the characteristics of successful business people. 

You want a wedding band?  Then pay attention to Woody’s Do’s & Don’ts (business style so your MBAs will feel at home):

 Do:  Realize it takes an average of seven contacts to make the sale (translation:  Patience.  You have to plant seeds before harvesting).

 Don’t:  Put a bumper sticker in your car that says, “I’m Dating Your Husband.”

 Do:  Detach yourself from the outcome.  Business plans never say, “You’re sense of identity rests on making the sale.”

 Don’t:  Wear a T-shirt with “Apartment Manager” in the front and “Unit Available” in the back.

 Do:  Act like a business and surround yourself with teams and support.  No businessman succeeds without help from others and its the same in love.  Always go out with friends.  They offer support and a good laugh.  And smiling is a scientifically proven way of attracting people to you. 

 Don’t:  Approach a guy in the bar and say, “Would you like a drink or do you just want the money?”

Do:  Open up new markets.  Hang out in places where relationships have a higher chance of developing.  If you’re used to clubbing, go to laid-back clubs, if you don’t play sports, start and join one of the gay clubs (the good thing about gay sports is that you’re expected to suck).

Don’t:  Tell people that your favorite song is Peaches’, “F*ck the Pain Away.”

Do:  Be disciplined.  Many businesses succeed simply because they never gave up.  They kept at it.  So if you join a volleyball team, go to the practices even if you don’t feel like it.  Persevere.

Don’t:  Be an ass if someone rejects you. After spending hours in a bar buying drinks for some hottie who eventually wouldn’t go home with him, a friend yelled Mink Stole’s immortal line in John Waters’ Female Trouble:”  “I wouldn’t suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls.”  Trust me, it’s not a good idea.

Do:  Sacrifice.  All successful businesses give up short-term profits for long-term goals.  You can’t stay out till 6am whacked out on drugs, screw everything with a pulse and expect to find a boyfriend the next morning at church.  Its okay to stay up with the owls and soar with the eagles once in a while, but too much of that will get your marriage wings clipped.

Getting yourself a boyfriend isn’t a matter of asking yourself “What business tactics should I use?”  It’s asking, “Am I willing to change my life to achieve my goal?” 

 To be perfectly honest, most gay men would answer “No.”  Maybe this is the year for you to say, “Yes.”

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