The Girl Who’s Always Barking Up the Wrong Tree
My best friend, a girl, is always falling in love with guys who turn out gay. I can see it coming a mile away but she’s blind as a bat. Do you have any advice that’ll straighten out her gaydar?
— The gay leading the blind
It amazes me how women react when the Clue Bus approaches. Instead of climbing aboard, they throw themselves underneath the wheels. So, to all the women out there wondering if the guy you’re dating is gay here are a few signs to watch out for:
- That floral bouquet he’s sending you for Valentine’s? He knows the name of every flower.
- You offer him a three-way and he says, “Depends. What does he look like?”
- He can dance… and he wants to.
- He can’t wait to meet your mom.
- His waist is under 34 but he isn’t.
- He straightens the fringe on your rug when he comes over.
- He knows the difference between a “soundtrack” and an “original cast album”.
- He knows what a sconce is.
- It takes him two syllables to say, “Please.”
- There’s a mouse on the floor and he beats you to the top of the table.
- He talks in *italics*
- His jeans cost more than yours do
- His career goal involves African-American backup singers.
Loved your book, man, but there’s a big mistake in it. You said that guys shoot an average of three tablespoons of semen. Come on! I shoot more than most and I don’t get anywhere near that. Swallow your, uhm, pride, woody and admit you made a mistake. And BTW, what is the average anyway?
When it comes to men, it’s not my words I want to eat, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to. My only comfort is that this mistake is nothing compared to my last one. See, an older French friend with a thick accent was in bad health and kept talking about “euthanasia.” He pleaded with me. He wanted me to send him to a better place, that he’d had it with this life. So I poisoned his food. Later, going through his things, I found his diary and realized, to my horror, that he wanted me to send him to Thailand, to see the Youth in Asia. So yeah, I’ll tell you what I told his family: “Mistakes were made. Get over it.”
Seriously, the average volume of semen spurting out of us is between half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon. Crazy, isn’t it? You’d think it’d be more than that. Obviously, you can test it by ejaculating into a cup and pour it into a measuring spoon, but if you don’t want to go through the trouble do this: Take a teaspoon (a measuring spoon, not silverware) and fill it with water. Then tip the teaspoon into your cupped hand. Amazing, isn’t it? It actually looks like MORE than your average trick’s load.
God, what we’ll do for a little teaspoon of sugar.