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NeedWood outside bannerHey woody!

I heard you on the radio talking about what women can learn from gay men about sex.  Can you repeat some of them so I can send them to my girlfriends..?

NeedWood inside bannerThe Gay Guide to Straight Sex—7 Ways Women Can Turn Men from Duds to Studs

Hey woody!

I heard you on the radio talking about what women can learn from gay men about sex.  Can you repeat some of them so I can send them to my girlfriends?

— Hag Fag

Dear Hag:

I called it The Gay Guide to Straight Sex—7 Ways Women Can Turn Men from Duds to Studs.  The point is to get your man to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane.  Here’s what I said:

 TEACH HIM THAT UNZIPPING HIS FLY ISN’T CONSIDERED FOREPLAY.

Why don’t women (or men, for that matter) blink during foreplay?  They don’t have time. Slow him down by suggesting he give you a massage.  Here’s what he should do:  Start at the head or feet, not the genitals.  He should NOT give the kind of relaxing deep-muscle massage you’d get at a spa. You don’t want to be relaxed; you want to be stimulated.  He should focus on your skin, not your muscles.  His hands should feel like feathers.  Forget massage oils or lotions.  He can stimulate the skin’s nerves better with dry skin.

MAKE HIM LAST LONGER THAN AN EGG TIMER

How?  Show him the exercises gynecologists recommend—“Kegels.”  They’re proven “sexercises” that work for men as well as women.  Contract and release the muscles in your pelvic floor.  They’re the ones you use to stop yourself from peeing when a hot guy does the unthinkable in a bar and smiles at you.  Do the “butterfly” (contract and release quickly, dozens of times), and the “Click and Hold”—squinch your starfish for a minute at a time.  The thing is, you’ve gotta do this daily for a month before you start seeing results.  It’ll be worth it, though.  The sex will be so hot when you’re done the neighbors will smoke a cigarette.

MAKE SURE HIS MANHOOD DOESN’T TURN INTO DRIFTWOOD

How?  After 3 1/2 drinks for a 150 LB man, the only thing that’ll be standing upright in your house is the vacuum cleaner.  The secret to preventing this?  Make him drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink he takes.

 MAKE SURE HE’S GOT THE RIGHT SIZE CONDOM

There’s nothing worse than a condom that’s too big (ouch on the ego) or too small (ouch on the genetals).  Take the ‘toilet tube’ test to figure out if you need an extra-large condom.   Slide the tube of an empty roll of toilet paper over his erection.  If it slides down to the base he doesn’t need an extra-large condom.  If it gets stuck, pop open the champagne.  Remember, condom-makers rely much more on girth than length to determine their extra-large sizes.  And also remember, that only 6% of men need extra-large condoms.  Meaning, 94% of men lie.

 TURN HIS BAD BREATH INTO GOOD SEX

Is his breath so bad your teeth duck every time he kisses you?  His tongue is the culprit.  So is dry mouth.  Use a tongue scraper and nasal spray moisturizers.   Do NOT use regular mouthwash like Scope and Listerine.  They contain alcohol that’ll make your dry mouth drier.  Instead, use mouthwashes that have Chlorine Dioxide as their active ingredient.  They neutralize the sulfur compounds that cause bad breath.

MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T FORGET YOU WHEN HE’S TRAVELING

How?  Get a rubber cast of your privates.  Phone sex will never be the same.

 MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T HAVE “MANSTENCH” DOWN THERE

How?  Buy him special underwear that whisks away sweat and body heat.   Manufacturers have come up with a new fabric mixing cotton with an active ingredient called polyethylene vinyl alcohol.  It keeps the skin 1 or 2 degrees cooler than regular cotton fabric, so you can ride him all over town enjoying that new man smell.

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