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needwood bannerSo I meet this 22-year-old hottie at the bar.  He’s kinda tipsy, but I enjoy that (it means the underwear’s going to come off like a dress on prom night).  I lure him to my house.  He uses the bathroom.  He comes out.  I hear the water running.  “I’m drawing a bath,” he says.  “Got any candles?”…

needwood bannerNeed Wood: Vile Bile!

Hey, Woody!

So I meet this 22-year-old hottie at the bar.  He’s kinda tipsy, but I enjoy that (it means the underwear’s going to come off like a dress on prom night).  I lure him to my house.  He uses the bathroom.  He comes out.  I hear the water running.  “I’m drawing a bath,” he says.  “Got any candles?”  It’s 2:00 a.m…but I figure what the hell.  So we get undressed.  We get in the tub face-to-face.  He looks longingly at me and I feel this surge of chemistry between us.  Slowly, he brings his face closer and closer to mine.  Clearly, I was about to receive the most romantic kiss ever.  My eyes closed, my lips parted and…he threw up all over me.

I jumped out of the bathwater like an electric eel just zapped me, screaming at him while he’s just retching and retching.  I calmed down, got him to my toilet, cleaned up and waited for him to finish.    Turns out he was so drunk I had to drive him home.

So I have two questions:  First, can I catch anything from swallowing his vomit?  I managed to spit out most of it but not all of it.  Second, this guy keeps calling me begging for a second chance. Do you think I should?  Don’t you think vomiting on somebody’s pretty much a deal killer?

—  I got the big pieces

Dear Big:

First, let me say this, and I think I speak for the majority of my readers:  “G-R-O-S-S!”

In fact, I looked up “gross” in an online dictionary and it said, “See Woody’s column this week.”

Second, how many times do I have to tell you people—spit, don’t swallow?  Never put other people’s gastro-intestinal juices in your mouth.  You never know where their vomit’s been.

Medically, the chances of catching anything are extremely small.  Let’s say your barfer had HIV, or syphilis, or Hepatitis B or C. Typically, these viruses (or bacteria in the case of syphilis) are pretty unstable in the acidic environment of the stomach.  Translation:  The acid kills the f–kers.

I’d bet my career the only thing you caught was a chunk of his dinner.  Now is it *possible* that you caught a bug of some kind?  Yes.  If he’d been throwing up several times throughout the day there’s a chance he could have torn some vessels in the esophagus and have fresh blood coming up with each vomitus.  Still, the viruses would be mixed with stomach acids and die pretty quickly.  All in all I’d worry more about your breath than your health.

Should you go out with the guy again?   Let me impart the two things that I know for certain about men and alcohol:

1)  You can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

2)  When the cop says, “Gee son…. your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

My point, as if I had one, is that you should absolutely give this guy another go.  People make mistakes.  If they own up to it and apologize (he did) they deserve a chance at parole.  I say go out with him.  Just keep him the hell away from the bottle.

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