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Why does every guy I meet want to drag me down the aisle?   Okay, so I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy who brings a simple bouquet of daisies on the first date and believes in opening doors when appropriate.  That’s just my style.

needwood bannerNeed Wood: Do You Think I’m the Marrying Kind? I Don’t!

by: Woody Miller

Hey, Woody!

Why does every guy I meet want to drag me down the aisle?   Okay, so I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy who brings a simple bouquet of daisies on the first date and believes in opening doors when appropriate.  That’s just my style.  I’ve always been fine living alone.  I have a full life with a great job.  I do consider myself successful.  Anyway, I tend to feel guilty when guys keep calling back, or when I run into them in public.  They almost always try to set up another date or something.  Although *I* don’t necessarily want to go out on a second date it doesn’t mean that someone out there wouldn’t.  I’m just not a second date kinda guy.  I know how fragile a gay man’s ego can be.  How do I let these guys down easy, so they retain their self-respect?

—  Heartbreaker

Dear Heartbreaker:

If your dating life were a boxing match the marquee would read,  “Emotional Constipation vs. Romantic Diarrhea.”  Either way, I say you’re full of it. 

You’re deliberately using romantic gestures to get guys you’re not interested in to fall for you.  You pretend you’re the marrying kind and then act all surprised when somebody pops the question.  Please. As Queen Gertrude said to Prince Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

So listen to me, Lady.  Why would you bring flowers to somebody you have no intention of dating twice?  Why would you open doors when you just want to open flies?

Allow me to practice my Hilary Clinton death glare:  Because you’re an ego-starved, power-hungry bulls–t-slinging, Daddy-macking player. 

Don’t get me wrong–I’m all for using guys to get sex, but I draw the line at using them to feed your ego. 

You know damn well that romantic gestures are going to be interpreted as a signal that you’re interested in dating, not just f–king, so cut the crap.  If all you want is sex then stop asking guys out on dates.  Stick to late-night booty calls, picking up at bars, and typing your fingers raw in the chat rooms.  Like the rest of us.

Hey, Woody!

I spent the night with a guy but we didn’t do anything because we were too drunk.  We had all our clothes off and spooned but that was it.  Now I’ve got this itch on my waist, my groin and my butt, along with short, wavy lines on the skin and dozens of itchy bumps.  How could this be an STD if we didn’t have sex?

—  Itching to know

Dear Itching:

You’ve probably got a skin-mite infection called scabies.  You don’t have to have sex to get it–just prolonged skin contact.  The mites are like boyfriends—they burrow just under the surface of the skin and annoy the hell out of you.  Female mites lay eggs that hatch in a few days.  Your doctor will prescribe something to kill the mites and corticosteroid ointments to relieve the itching.  I hope this teaches you a lesson.  If you’re going to catch something from a trick at least have the decency to f–k him.

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