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I don’t like bars so the way I meet people (or rather TRY to meet people) is online and mobile.  I’m 48, very healthy, active, good looking, and blessed to look 35.

wood ban

NEED WOOD

DATING AFTER 40 35

Hey, Woody!

I don’t like bars so the way I meet people (or rather TRY to meet people) is online and mobile.  I’m 48, very healthy, active, good looking, and blessed to look 35.

When I place an ad with my true age I get no responses.  Absolutely zero.  If I lie and place the exact same ad and picture only this time saying I’m 35, I get lots of responses.  It’s the exact same me…only one is the real me and it gets me zip and the other is a dishonest me and it gets me plenty of responses.  I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.  Even people my own age don’t respond to my 48 year-old ads, but they respond to my 35-year-old ads.  I think the whole gay community is f–ked up.

I don’t believe in being dishonest.  I don’t want to start a relationship where the first thing I say is dishonest.  I don’t even want a one night stand if I have to be dishonest to get it.  But I also don’t want to be without sex for extended periods of time.  What should I do? 

—  Truth or Dare?

Dear Truth:

I have to acknowledge your honesty, integrity and self-respect.  And your stupidity.  For writing to me, I mean.

Dude, I dedicated my book to a friend by thanking him for “teaching me how to lie about my age.” Man, did you write the wrong guy.

I understand your dilemma, though.  Gay men have a phobia about age.  Whatever you say after forty they hear as a communicable disease.  So if you say “I’m forty-three” they hear “forty-leprosy.”  They’re more afraid of catching age than AIDS.

You have two choices: 

1)  Understand the difference between harmless and harmful lying.   You’re acting as if all lies are equal.  They’re not.  It’s impossible to live in a world where no lying is allowed.  Check out Jim Carrey’s movie, “Liar, Liar” if you want to see how constantly telling the truth can ruin your life.

Which answer do you think will preserve your relationship?  a) Dishonesty:  “No, honey, those jeans don’t make you look fat” or b) Honesty:   “No honey, those jeans don’t make you look fat.  Your fat makes you look fat.”

I rest my case. 

You’ve equated lying about your age with, say, lying about your HIV status or your marital status.  Age is a state of mind, anyway.  So what if you feed people the fantasy that they’re responding to a 35 year old?   You might actually end up teaching them it’s possible to fall in love with someone despite an initial resistance to their age.

2) Learn to omit.  Who says you have to offer your age in your profile?  And if someone asks you tell him, “Age is unimportant.  I’m not interested in your age and you shouldn’t be interested in mine.  We’ll just end up categorizing each other.”

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