Need Wood Gay Advice Column

Need Wood Gay Advice Column

Hey Woody!

It’s been four months since my boyfriend saw a traumatic event that killed several people (I would rather not get into the details). He and I have had completely different reactions in bed.  We’re both running semen factories, only mine’s working to capacity and he’s laid off half his staff, if you know what I mean. Since the attack I’ve been horny as hell and he’s lost all interest.  How do I get me down to normal and him up to par?

—   Winging it

Dear Winging:

You’re both having natural reactions to stress.  Some people, like your boyfriend, suffer from an Armageddon mentality and spiral into a depression where everything in him or on him droops like a wilted flower.

Other people, like you, suffer from an Ahmogetmesome mentality where you want it all the time because, well, because you’re a pig.

Seriously, like everyone else, I’m sure the tragedy brought up fears and insecurities in you.  In the midst of uncertainty people have a strong need to be connected.  Sex is your way of feeling connected.

It’s a phenomenon psychologists call “Terror Sex.” Before September 11th, it used to mean a date with me, but now it refers to people who f–k like rabbits after a traumatic event.

Wait, that still sounds like a date with me.

Anyway, there are documented examples of “Terror Sex.”  During the bombing of Britain in WWII, for example, people were literally f–king in the London subways.

And in Turkey, after the horrendous earthquakes that killed tens of thousands, demographers noticed a “birthday bump” from all the people who wanted to feel the earth move under their feet again.

Stressful times cause a rush of chemicals to course through your body, including dopamine and testosterone, a hormonal cocktail more effective than a Viagra binge at a Rape the Brad Pitt Look-alike Contest.

But as you know, not everyone reacts to stress in the same way.  Shrinks have also noticed the reverse.  In the fight-or-flight response to sex, a lot of people board the plane, if you know what I mean.

Stress can lead to depression and anxiety, which can de-horn the horniest among us.  In one post 911 poll, 50% of Americans were having trouble concentrating and 30% weren’t sleeping well.  That doesn’t bid well for sextra-curricular activities.

How do you get your sex life back to normal?  The way you get life back to normal after any traumatic event.  You anchor yourself.  You meditate, pray, you talk things through.

And you wait and you wait and soon time works its magic and your boyfriend eventually looks at your d–k and says “Oh, I remember what that’s for,” and tries to hide it somewhere in his body.

Hey Woody!

My lover and I like to have sex while on crystal meth.  He’s in his early 50s.  Lately after a few hours of sex, my lover has noticed some blood in his semen.   This never happens when he masturbates during the week.  It only seems to happen when he orgasms after partying all night tweaked up.  Can crystal or other drugs be responsible for that?

– –   Bloody mess

Dear Mess:

Your boyfriend is showing signs of prostate or some other form of lower urinary tract cancer.  It’s highly doubtful that the drugs are doing it.   Here’s your four-step plan to keeping him safe:  1)  Get him to a doctor.  2)  NOW.  3)  Send me the rest of your crystal.  4)  NOW.