Need Wood: Gay Advice Column

Need Wood: Gay Advice Column

Hey Woody!

I’ve been seeing someone off and on for about two years.  Four months into the relationship things kinda went downhill when we were unable to come to an understanding about commitment.  Namely, I understood the meaning of the word; he didn’t.

The problem is every time I start seeing someone else he gets obsessively jealous and starts showing me a lot more attention.  When he feels the risk of losing me to someone else, he does every thing in his power to get me back, to the point of suggesting we move in together.  But when I stop seeing the person to be with him, he goes back to his uncommitted mode.

I’m afraid I will never be able to have a relationship with someone else until this crazy cycle stops.  On the other hand, I cannot imagine putting him out of my life.

—   Little Boy Left Out in the Blue

Dear Little Boy:

Face it, you’re his b-tch.

Every time he howls you spread like you’re in heat.

You’ve got three options:

1) An open relationship.  Sounds like you’ve ruled it out, but if you’re determined to keep him as a boyfriend then revisit the question.

2) Learn to live with ambiguity.  This means you go about life partaking of its joys, releasing its miseries, blessing both the arrival and departure of love.

Or in your case, the arrival and departure and arrival and departure and arrival and departure and arrival and departure of love.

3) Take control of the relationship.  Declare the end of your current relationship and the start of a new one.  Sit him down and ask him to be fair to you.  Ask him to respect the boundaries that you want in place to support the friendship and prevent you from getting on that schizophrenic elevator you hate so much.

Figure out what those boundaries should be.  Here’s a couple:  No late night booty calls.  No coming over for dinner or watching TV — classic plots to get in your pants.  He wants dinner?  Go to a diner.  Watch TV?  Invite three other friends.

The key is to gain his commitment to fairness, to respect your choice because it’s coming from a genuine desire to heal and move on.

I learned this from a six year-old, believe it or not.  I was tickling my nephew, annoying him like he was one of my readers.  And like them, he commanded me to stop, and when that didn’t work, he begged me to leave him alone.

And you know how I love to be begged.

Of course, I didn’t stop.  Even as an uncle, Woody wants what he wants when he wants it.

But then my little nephew said something my sister had taught him:  *“Uncle Woody, you have to respect my words.”*

God, I hate my sister.

How the hell was I supposed to keep tickling him after a line like that?  I’d be a complete s–t if I did.

Try it on Yo-Yo Man.  If it stopped an annoying prick like me, it’ll stop an annoying prick like him.

If you really want to get on with your life you have to change.  And here’s the biggest thing you’ve gotta change:  Stop being his b-tch.