I met this guy at an after-work, low-key bar. Just my type—thirty-ish, bookish, but athletic. Couldn’t tell if he was attracted so I went to the bathroom (my rule is, if they’re there when I get back, they’re interested). He was! I offer to buy him a drink. He accepts. Tried to kiss him in the bar (nothing major, just a peck) and I thought he’d jump out of his skin. I throw the c-m towel in–said I had to go, nice meeting you. Suddenly he wants to “see” my apartment. Need I tell you that Ms. Frigid in the bar became Mr. Hot Stuff at my place?
Next day I call to tell him what a great time I had. I ask him out for Saturday. Says “sure.” On Saturday I call to firm up plans and he tells me we’d have to do it early because he has plans later on. I was crushed. I ended up canceling. Didn’t want the heartbreak of having dinner and then being deposited back home on a Saturday night while he went out.
I thought, “Okay, that’s it, he ain’t interested, let him go.” Of course he calls the next day. Wants to do something Friday. I accidentally run into him the day before. I ask, “We still on for Friday?” He says, “Should be.”
Should be? SHOULD BE? 24 hours before the date and he answers “should be?” I left thinking it’s never going to happen. Didn’t even bother calling him. So what does he do? He calls. We go out. Have a great time. End up at my place for Round 2 of Best Sex I Ever Had. He even stays over. We go out for breakfast. I’m totally smitten. You know what he talks about? How hot the guys are that are walking by!
I know I’m rambling, woody, but I really like this guy. Do you think I should spill my heart and say I want to date him?
— Nine ways to Sunday
This guy’s playing you like such a yo-yo I had to take a Dramamine to get through your letter.
First, that Saturday night where he said he had plans? He didn’t. He had a “Let out” –what the British call hedging your bets. If the date turns out great you cancel your “plans.” If it turns out awful, you get “let out” by the plans announced earlier.
Should you talk to him? No. Giving an “ambivalenter” a heartfelt conversation is like giving a vampire a heartfelt wooden stake.
Besides, the breakdown in communication isn’t with him; it’s with you. He’s practically skywriting *“I only want you for sex”* and you’re sitting there scratching your head about what he wants. Look up, dude, and see the second part of his message: *“And only when it’s convenient for me.”*
I’ve said this a thousand times: Never pay attention to what people say; pay attention to what they do.
Should you talk to him? NO. Ambivalenters often don’t know they’re ambivalenting, so my guess is he’ll think you’re crazy. And if he does know what he’s doing (P-L-A-Y-E-R) do you really think he’s going to own up to it? Three, whatever hope you have of dating (or at least having a few more hot sex sessions) will follow him right out the door.