Hey, Woody!

I’m an average sized guy (almost 6” but not girthy) and I’m interested in a guy that seems to have a preference for bottoming, but that’s my problem. I really like those types of guys (slightly fem), but I’m a huge bottom boy, too! I’m considering switching my preference. Sex isn’t the top thing on my list, so I could easily go either way if that’s what the guy likes. So my question is, how can I please a bottom, having little experience in the topping department and while having an average-to-small sized c*ck? I honestly don’t mind the size of my c*ck – it’s proportional to me (short/skinny) but I’ve had a few guys mock me about my size. It may have been playful, but it still sinks in after a while because they were serious. I just want to know if the size of my c*ck is going to affect my ability to top well and what I can do to combat that. I’ve topped a couple guys in the past and had no negative reaction, but I want to learn to do it right with the equipment that I have.

— Topsy Turvy

Dear Topsy:

If the guys who teased you were at a bar, I’d have said they looked like they could use a margarita, no salt, thrown in their faces. The next time somebody says something about your dick, call them out. Like, “STOP. You’ve got a couple of body parts that aren’t so great, but I respect you enough not to say anything negative. I’d like the same respect.”

Now, about this ridiculous idea that you can only top well if your name is Tripod: The facts don’t support you. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need extra large condoms. Are you saying the other 94% are lousy tops? Puh-leeze.

You actually have an advantage, you know. Versatile guys tend to make better tops. If you know what you like done, you’ll know what needs doing. As a top, you’re more likely to have extra patience during the entry phase because as a bottom you know an inch feels like a foot. As a top you’re more likely to re-apply lube because as a bottom you know that nothing succeeds like excess.

But enough of the basics, let’s fast forward. The thing that separates the men from the hens is the thrust. And here’s a big, wide open secret: ALWAYS vary your thrusting patterns.

The law of diminishing returns says pleasure is inversely related to repetition. You know how the first few bites of a steak always taste better than the last few? It’s because you didn’t pause, take a sip of wine or a bite of a side dish. Taste buds get sensitized easily. So do manginas. So, mix it up with these classic Tantric thrusting patterns: 

The Thrusts of the Heron: Deep for three consecutive thrusts then go shallow. Think of it as crime prevention: three strikes and you’re out. 

The Thrusts of the Dragon: Nine times deep, one time shallow. Then reverse.

The Thrusts of the Phoenix: Run a pattern – 9 deep/1shallow, 8 deep/2 shallow, 7 deep/3 shallow and so on until you reverse it and get to 1deep/9 shallow. Hey, it’s the new math.

The Mouse: Quick and shallow thrusts.

The Eagle: Hold your penis motionless at the entrance of his starfish then swoop in quickly and deeply. Like your frenemies do when they see you talking to a hot guy.

These are general rules. Remember, different thrusts for different butts. Variety ain’t just an industry magazine: It’s the spice of life.