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gay-marriage-new-york-2011-0The Big Apple just can’t catch a break. In the summer of 2010 New York had to fight off three separate plagues of bedbugs, raccoons and skunks terrorizing their fair city. So what type of terrible affliction will those grumpy Gothamers have to fend off in the summer of 2011? How about HAPPY HOMOSEXUALS!

 A plague of rainbows, hugs, kisses and love

gay-marriage-new-york-2011-2The Big Apple just can’t catch a break. In the summer of 2010 New York had to fight off three separate plagues of bedbugs, raccoons and skunks terrorizing their fair city. So what type of terrible affliction will those grumpy Gothamers have to fend off in the summer of 2011? How about HAPPY HOMOSEXUALS!

That’s right, they might be your neighbors, they might be the hot dog man, they might even be the cab driver picking you up on West 51st Street! These zombie, mutant, gorgeous boys and girls are in your state to get married and they are only taking “I do” for an answer.

Why did everyone jump on the rapture bandwagon just weeks ago, but no one seemed to believe Super Bowl XLII hero and former New York Giants wide receiver David Tyree when he declared that the passage of marriage rights for same gender partners in New York state would be the “beginning of our country sliding toward, it is a strong word, but anarchy.”

Well my frenemies, get out your inner tubes, because as of June 24, we are on the fast glide into topsy-turveyness, according to Tyree’s totally original theory that he definitely made up by himself with no help from an evil “non-profit” called the National Organization for Marriage (who interestingly enough spends their time fighting against marriage, but I digress).

State Senators in New York finally agreed with their counterparts in the New York State House and much to the urging of NY Governor Andrew Cuomo, the entire legislative body in Albany passed a bill that allows same-gender couples who are in love (or really awesome lust) to attain the same rights and benefits as opposite-gender couples when it comes to such pesky things as paying taxes, declaring power of attorney, and picking hideous bridesmaid dresses for your friends. Welcome NY as the sixth state along with the District of Colombia to declare marriage rights legal for all humans!

So while Florida Governor Rick Scott is spending his legislative session rejecting $2.4 billion in federal stimulus money to build a high-speed railroad across his state and touting his desire to cut government spending while forcing the state to pay for its employees to take drug tests from a company his wife owns, New York’s Governor Cuomo is making a name for himself in the history books.

You see Gov. Cuomo himself doesn’t even want to get married but his longtime bed fellow– Food Network personality Sandra Lee–has a gay brother who is ready to say I do. Want to bet Cuomo got himself a little extra sugar sugar last Friday night?

The bigger question of course is who is right in this debate of equal rights for all or only equal rights for those that have non-matching body parts? Will Cuomo be seen as a trendsetter? Will Tyree be seen as a prophet? Only time will tell, but judging by the celebrations witnessed during Pride weekend, if Tyree is correct, an LGBT anarchy scenario would look something like this:

Happy couples rush to jewelry stores to purchase engagement rings that they present to their loved ones during expensive meals at super trendy restaurants on the Lower Eastside. The next day hundreds of wedding planners, florists, bakers, musicians, valets, sex shops and travel agents would receive thousands of phone calls. Every venue in town would be rented for a ceremony. Every flight into LGA, Newark and JFK would be full, while prices for one-star boutique hotels in Hell’s Kitchen would go for four figures per night. Finally, a 100-foot tall rainbow Stay Puft marshmallow man (who would be tan and have abs, of course) would trample the city and everyone and everything in his path.

The New York City Comptroller’s office believes that the state will benefit with $210 million in additional economic impact from the passage of this legislation. So Mr. Tyree is partially right. Anarchy will occur in the hearts and minds of NY business owners as their pockets fill up with beautiful, lovely, delicious $100 bills.

Like Tyree, those who continue to oppose marriage-equality-for-all subscribe to the 3Rs of political discourse. REDUCE: Independent thinking! REUSE: Out-dated scare tactics! RECYCLE: Made-up theories that have been proven wrong time and time again!

So on behalf of all of the people who fit under my big giant rainbow tent, I would like to issue a formal apology to the 20 million people in the 55,000 square foot state of New York: sorry for plaguing you with economic prosperity; sorry for invading you with ideals of lifetime commitment, sorry for the outbreak of smiles, hugs, kisses and dancing, but mostly I’m sorry we’ve shrouded The Empire State in glitter.

So what would it take for equal marriage rights in Florida to happen in the next couple of years? It’s a no-brainer actually. Here’s the simple guide to bring color prism kisses to the Sunshine State:

  1. Allow developers to build housing for same-gender married couples in the Everglades.
  2. Ensure Gov. Scott’s wife Ann owns a company that provides the paper for marriage certificates.
  3. Prior to the vows every gay and lesbian couple has to give a charitable gift to Scott’s alma mater Southern Methodist University.
  4. Take the Fifth Amendment at least 75 times during your rehearsal dinner.
  5. Promise to pay for your kid’s education with the money you defrauded from Medicare.

Well, Florida, we are certainly on the right track, baby!

 

Is it possible that President Barrack Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder Jr. read my recent article in Hotspots Magazine on why same-sex couples should be allowed to legally marry?

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