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Hey Woody,

Got any advice for guys who like sex in the shower? I’ve got a typical apartment bathroom—not much room to move around so my options seem limited.

-Wet behind the ears

Hey Woody,

Got any advice for guys who like sex in the shower? I’ve got a typical apartment bathroom—not much room to move around so my options seem limited.

-Wet behind the ears

Dear Wet,

You’ve come to the right place. As founder of a new chain of household goods—Bed, Bath & Bend Over – I’ve got some great suggestions.

First, make sure to put a rubber mat on the floor of the shower to keep everybody from slipping and hurting themselves. You want your partner screaming your name, not yelling for help.

Stick to positions that won’t require an ambulance at the end of the session. Namely, The Leg Lift: Hold one of his knees up on the crook of your elbow as you pound away. Second, The Standing Bend. He bends all the way over, knees slightly bent, arms against the edge of the tub. You enter from behind, holding his hips. Third, The Wrap Around: He wraps his legs around your waist while you hold him up against the tiles.

Remember to use the right lube. Don’t use oil or petroleum-based lubes (Vaseline, olive oil). They destroy condoms, sometimes on contact. Plus, they’re hard to wash off. Use silicone-based lubes. They won’t harm latex-based condoms. Plus, they’re similar to water-based lubes except that they’re completely waterproof, making them ideal for underwater use.

Shower sex works on a number of levels. First, and most importantly, there are no bad hair days under the nozzle. Second, the warm water pinks up the skin that makes everyone look like they’re standing under good lighting. Third, the pseudo-rainfall effect is an added element that creates unexpected sensations.

Always complete the session by shampooing each other’s hair and finally, drying each other off. Remember, having good sex is like being a good writer—you want to put a period at the end of each sentence.

Hey Woody,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your column “A Small Matter of Large Size.” I’m so relieved to know that there are non-superficial, non-penis obsessed, gay men out there. I’m 37 y/o and like you, I have friends that make me feel as if I’m in a perpetual junior high school because all they can talk about is penis size. I’m 6’3″ 205lbs, so I’m a pretty big guy but not well endowed. This superficial culture makes me feel as if I have to apologize for being small. I also have friends that their first question is, “how hung is he?” Like you, I refuse to answer. I just feel I cheapen my experience—and the guy—if I answer. You’ve helped me realize that the truly good guys who are sincere and worth being with don’t care about the size of your penis but the size of your heart.

-Grateful

Dear Grateful,

I can’t believe you bought that load of crap. I was drunk when I wrote that column!

I kid. You brought out some great points. I do, however, believe that you can’t be too sanctimonious about this issue. Hence, my favorite joke about the size of the prize:

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father’.”

The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, Well…?” She replies, “My son is a 6′ 2”, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room everyone says, “OH, MY GOD!”

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