Ready & Wanting

My penis is unusually dry these days. It’s starting to look a little scaly. Is there any way to keep my dick moisturized?

-Wanting the Wet Look



Ready & Wanting

My penis is unusually dry these days. It’s starting to look a little scaly. Is there any way to keep my dick moisturized?

-Wanting the Wet Look

Dear Wanting,

Dealing with dry skin is all about trapping moisture in the skin. Here’s how to make your penis soft as your baby’s behind:

1. Don’t wear underwear made of heavy synthetic fabrics. Like the music in most gay bars, they can cause irritation. Wear cotton and cut down on the friction.

2. Take showers at cooler temperatures. Hot water depletes naturally occurring oils. Use warm water when you shower and don’t wipe with a washcloth — too abrasive.

3. Take fewer showers. Experts say you should only shower once or twice a week during the winter and a little more during the summer. I know what you’re thinking: *”I don’t want people to smell me before they see me. This ain’t France.* So if that’s not an option, then take a bath rather than a shower–your skin will hold more moisture. Or if you insist on showering, use soap only in areas where you perspire.

4. Pat don’t rub. When you get out of the shower or tub don’t dry yourself like you’re late for the three-way. Save the elbow grease for the guys. Rubbing too hard removes skin cells and natural oils. Immediately after patting dry, apply a moisturizer.

5. Moisturize your dick daily. Try my patented “Oil of YourLay.” Or something cheap and simple like Corn Huskers Lotion. Experts recommend it because it’s easily absorbed into the skin.

Hey Woody,

Almost all of my friends seem to be popping Viagra. It’s not like they need it, since they’re all in their 20’s. I want to try it but for some reason I haven’t. Do you think I should? What’s your take on “recreational Viagra?”

-Ready to Swallow

Dear Ready,

I’m not in the business of “recommending” drug use. What I recommend is finding out everything you can about a drug before you put it in your mouth and swallow. God, I loved writing the last seven words in that sentence.

New research shows that the use of Viagra skyrocketed 312% among men aged 18-45 in the last few years. And that’s based on the number of prescriptions written. Imagine the numbers if you add in the mooching factor.

Two out of three ED prescriptions are written by primary care physicians, rather than urologists. Docs don’t have a lot of time to spend on their patients and rather than asking questions or making referrals to urologists they just whip it out. The prescription pad, that is.

A study in the journal AIDS showed about 30% of men without ED admitted to using Viagra as a sex enhancer, often in combination with illegal drugs.

Why? Oh, please, like I’m going to waste space stating the obvious. But one study in Human Reproduction did shed some new light: men without ED who took Viagra cut their “refractory period” — the time it takes to get another erection after ejaculating—in half.

Whatever you choose, just remember you cannot take any of the ED drugs (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) if you have heart or blood pressure problems. And do not take any of the these meds with drugs that lower blood pressure, like poppers or they’ll name a wing in the ER after you.