needwood_banHey Woody!

I have to admit something embarrassing and somewhat tragic.  I’m cursed with passions that my extreme levels of testosterone make difficult—mainly that I love to get rimmed but that my hairy ass gets in the way.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but most men don’t enjoy flossing while they rim.  I’ve tried shaving, but who wants to feel scruff on their facial cheeks from my ass cheeks.  I’ve tried Nair, and damn it, it just burns (the bottle said not to use it in the “peri-anal area”—why don’t they just say “ASS,” but that’s another question, I know).  Anyway, please give me an answer, Woody!  What can I do to remove that unsightly hair (which is thicker than those who have ball caps stapled to their heads)?  Please let there be something that won’t cause rashes on my ass or on his face.

—  Desperately Seeking Smoothness

Dear Desperately:

I’m going to answer you in code.   Ready?

(_!_)      a regular ass

(__!__)    a fat ass

(!)        a tight ass

(_o_)      an ass that’s been around

(_O_)     an ass that’s been around A LOT

(_x_)     kiss my ass

(_X_)     leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)    a tired ass

This is my long-winded way of saying that I’ve got a personal code for you:

(_13_)     an unlucky ass

Yes, unlucky, because there ain’t nothing going to save your ass from the itching, scaling, rashes, in-grown hairs and such that accompany hair removal.

I mean, I guess you could always go for electrolysis or laser hair removal, but dude, sticking your hand in a meat grinder might be less painful.  If you do either one promise to let me know because I want to go with you to the consultation and see the expression on the technician’s face when you tell her what you want and why. This is the kind of stuff worth getting your pay docked for missing work.

Hey Woody!

I know you hate size queens but tough s–t, I am one and there’s no point in denying it.  Anyway, we were all sitting around talking about how to predict if someone’s got a big d–k.  Is it hands, feet, nose?  Is there any research that shows how to tell?

—  Size the Day

Dear Size:

You’re right, I hate size queens.  According to condom companies only 6% of all men have d–ks big enough to require an extra-large condom and yet that’s what you fixate on.  So only 6% of all guys are worthy of your attention.  F–k the other 94%, right?

Anyway, you can cross feet off your list.  According to a report in the British Journal of Urology International, a man’s shoe size is NOT correlated to his penis size.  They cited a recent study of 104 men who had both their penis size and shoe size recorded by scientists.  Their conclusion?  *“The supposed association of penile length and shoe size has no scientific basis.”*

God, I wish they’d do a study on you size queens so they’d come out and say, *“The supposed association between penis size and greater sexual pleasure has no scientific basis.”*