wood_banHey Woody!

I just read somewhere that grapefruit juice—my favorite! – is bad to take medicine with.  Why?  Please tell me I can still drink it and take my meds.

—  Sucking on a Citrus

Dear Sucking:

It depends on what you’re taking, but the odds are good that you’ll have to stop.

Drugs that are known to have serious interactions with grapefruit juice include antiseizure drugs (trust me, it doesn’t mean cops aren’t allowed to seize them from you), anti-depressants like Zoloft, tranquilizers like Valium, anti-anxiety agents like BuSpar, and HIV protease inhibitors like Crixivan.

People who take anti-depressants, tranquilizers and protease inhibitors—that’s three fourths of my readership!

The chemicals in grapefruits interfere with certain enzymes in your intestinal tract and liver that break down prescription drugs.  That means you’ll have more of the drug in your blood than your doctor intended.

Good news for club boys:  You’ll probably get more out of your club drugs.  Bad news:  You could overdose.  Actually, that might be good news.  Free up some of the parking spaces at the clubs.

Actually, there’s no good news about combining grapefruit juice and drugs.  You increase the chance of serious side effects, like vomiting, passing out and going into a coma.

The guilty chemicals are in the pulp and peel of grapefruit, not just the juice, so any grapefruit product can interact with your drugs.   Also, avoid tangelos, a hybrid grapefruit that runs on gas and electricity.  No, wait.  Oh, never mind—just avoid them.

The news is relentlessly bad.  Even taking your drugs 24 hours after you drink grapefruit juice won’t prevent an interaction.  Talk to your doctor to see if the drugs you’re taking are affected.

Hey Woody!

Got a weird question.  I like to beat off in the bathroom at work.  My problem is that I can’t have these long, leisurely sessions with myself because, well, people are walking in all the time.  Are there any techniques to bustin’ fast?

—  Lookin’ for instant ignition

Dear Ignition:

The easiest way to ejaculate quickly is to stimulate your prostate gland.  Is the mailroom guy available?  It’d put a whole new definition on brown-nosing.

If he won’t then you try.  As your finger goes in, remember to curl it toward your belly button, where you’ll find the walnut-sized orgazmatron.  You can do the Touch ‘n Hold or the Flutter (pressing and releasing it rhythmically).  Either way, your card will be drawn, and quickly.

Here’s another nifty trick for blowing a load in a hurry:  cup your testicles in your hand and press them up against your body.  It mimics the body’s preorgasmic movements.

Hey Woody!

Just wanted to thank you for the early warning you gave us a couple of years ago not to use nonoxynol-9.  I hear the FDA is officially proposing warning labels for condoms and such.  But why the warning?  If they know nonoxynol-9 might accelerate the transmission of HIV why not take it off the market?

—  A grateful fan

Dear Grateful:

It shouldn’t be taken off the market because it does one job really well—it kills sperm that might otherwise infect a woman.  Infect?  I meant impregnate.

A World Health Organization study of 991 HIV-negative sex workers in Thailand and Africa showed that nonoxynol-9 not only doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted diseases but may INCREASE the risk of contracting the HIV virus.

But the real question is why they call the subjects sex workers?  Like my uncle used to say when he was asked if he wanted to date the girl next door, “I prefer hookers.”