Hey, Woody!

Last week I caught my nine-year-old son masturbating while watching TV.   Now don’t laugh woody, but I was really upset because the station was tuned to the Miss America contest.  Both my lover and I want our son to turn out gay, not straight.  By and large, I think straight guys are prejudiced, bigoted and violent.  I want my son to be open, loving, and accepting.  Is there anything I can do to change my son’s heterosexual tendencies?  Do you think it’s possible for a gay parent to turn their straight child gay?  If so, how?

—  Turning Straight, Hoping Gay

Dear Turning:

Every month I select an “Idiot Letter of the Month.”  I put all my reader questions in a pile and I scan them with my patented Idiot Meter, a sort of Geiger counter that exposes gay idiocy.  The closer the meter got to your letter the more it beeped.  When it finally touched smoke started billowing out.

Congratulations, you won.

Your claim that all straight men are bigoted and violent is ridiculous.  How would you like it if straight guys stereotyped us by saying that gay men are all wh-res who can’t keep our pants on when a good looking guy walks by?

Wait.  Bad example.

Or what if they said all gay men are vain, self-centered pigs who can’t take their eyes off the mirror?

Wait, another bad example.

Oh, f–k the examples, you know damn well what I’m getting at.  Your contention that “straight = bad” is as laughable as your assumption that “gay = good.”  Proportionately, there are just as many gay jerks as straight ones.  Exhibit A:  You.  Exhibit B:  Half the guys I’ve dated.

First of all, it’s not entirely clear that your son is straight.  Don’t attribute adult intent and understanding to children.  The timing of his masturbation and the position of the TV dial could be purely accidental.

Maybe it was the women he was j-rking off to.  Then again, knowing some of the queens I know, he may have been masturbating to the contestants’ gowns.  You can’t unravel a kid’s sexual orientation from a single, accidental discovery.

Can you change his orientation?  Could your parents have changed yours?

I suggest you get off your fabulous gay high horse and learn how to love your son unconditionally no matter whether he turns out straight or gay.

The most upsetting thing in your letter is how much destruction you are willing to inflict on your child simply because he might not have the sexual identity you want for him.  Have you learned nothing of your own struggle to be who you are?

Hey, Woody!

What are we guys who can’t take Viagra because we have high blood pressure or heart conditions supposed to do for a little sexreational fun?  I’m in my 50s and check out fine physiologically; I just want to make my baby burp a little harder every once in a while, but I can’t take Viagra because of my heart.  Any suggestions?

—  Wishing for the bump and grind

Dear Wishing:

If you can’t swallow the pill, sweat up the hill.  Bicycling is beginning to look a lot like a hard-on these days.

A big study recently showed that stationary bicycling three times a week for two months significantly improved the sexual lives of the bikers.

I’m not sure it’s the biking in particular that’s driving the improvements as much as exercise, period.  Biking may just be a better way of getting at it.

So why would exercise improve your hard-ons?  Could be that it makes positive changes in the endothelium cells that line the blood vessel walls. These changes increase oxygen-rich blood to all parts of the body, including the penis.  And in case you didn’t know, when your d–k gets hard it gets hard with blood.