Hey Woody!

When we first started dating my boyfriend admitted he cheated on all three of his ex-lovers. He said he changed his ways, and that he wanted a committed life partner.

He’s cheated on me a few times throughout our three-year relationship.  Each time we talked about it and he swore it would never happen again.  

The only time he seems to straighten up is when I threaten to leave.  I’m filled with doubts, but then I think, aren’t people allowed to make mistakes?  Shouldn’t I be more forgiving?  I don’t know whether I’m being played for the fool or whether he really does care about me.  Either way, he’s just got this problem keeping it zipped.  What do you think I should do?  Leave, stay?  Do you think it’s possible for him to be monogamous in the future?  Help!

—   Wringing my Hands

Dear Wringing:

What are you, a straight woman?  Didn’t anybody tell you there’s only two kinds of men?  Men who cheat, and men who get caught cheating.

Lucky you, you got stuck with both kinds.

Your story reminds me of an ancient Indian riddle:  “Of all things on earth, what is most strange?”

The answer is, “That a man should see death all around him and not believe that he will die.”

Of all things in your letter, you know what is most strange? That you could date a man who cheated on all his lovers and believe he wouldn’t cheat on you.

You’ve made it clear that monogamy is a core criterion for a relationship and he can’t give you that.  Unless you’re willing to open the relationship I see nothing but heartache in your future.  I say dump his cheating a–.

Hey Woody!

I know this is stupid, but why do we call it a “bl-w j-b” if it’s a sucking action?  Why don’t we call it a “suck job”?

—   Looking for any type of job

Dear Looking:

In China, fellatio is called “playing the flute;” in India it’s called “mouth congress,” or “sucking a mango fruit.” In Egypt it’s called “the great swallowing.”

In Woody’s office it’s called, “come here.”

I’ve searched high and I’ve searched low but I haven’t found out how or why sucking turned into blowing.  Any *sementacists* out there who can help?

Hey Woody!

Can you spread canker sores through kissing?  It’s bad enough I have them, I don’t want to give them to my boyfriend.

—   Blistering for an answer

Dear Blistering:

Canker sores are tiny, crater-like lesions.  They’re small, oval, with a gray center and a surrounding red, inflamed halo.  Like the kind you find sitting in the pews of fundamentalist churches every Sunday.

Canker sores aren’t caused by viruses, so they’re not contagious.  They go away by themselves in just a few days.  If only religious sores would, too.

The sores are ordinarily parked inside your mouth under your tongue or inside your cheeks.  They’re pretty common.  About 20% of the population has it on any given day.

No, you can’t get canker sores from kissing or oral sex.  But are you sure they’re canker sores?  That’s the risk.  They could be herpes or cold sores which *are* contagious.  Go to a doctor and find out.