Hey Woody!

I’ve had several “f–k buddies.” You know, guys who I get together with on a regular basis just to have sex, not to date. My buddies never seem to last more than a few months, though. One of us starts falling for the other, or one of us loses interest. Either way it ends. I’d love to keep a stable of FBs but I just don’t know how to do it. Is there such a thing as long-term “f–k buddies?” What’s the secret of keeping them?

— Dying to know

Dear Dying:

It’s the same secret to a good marriage. Be a wh-re in bed and a mute outside of it.

It’s almost impossible to keep long-term f–k buddies (FBs) because it goes against our natures. Men love casual sex. But once you have it, casual goes out the window and guess what comes in the door? Love or tedium.

Like you said, somebody either falls in love or loses interest. FBs are the no-man’s land between groom and trick. You don’t want to marry them, you don’t want to date them, but you don’t want them just once either.

It’s the difference between being “involved” and being “committed.” Think of it as a bacon and eggs breakfast. The chicken was involved; the pig was committed.

You want to be involved.

This poses a special problem. You can’t “work” on an FB relationship the way you “work” on a romantic relationship because the first rule of a good FB relationship is NO WORKING. It gets in the way of f–king.

Of all my promiscuous friends, I am……wait. That’s redundant. I hate it when I waste words. Of all my friends, I am the only one who’s had a f–k-buddy for over 4 years. And from my experience I can tell you the only way to keep an FB relationship going is to understand the role of silence and distance in the context of a mutual sexual attraction that neither party wants to manifest through dating or marriage.

English translation? Shut up and don’t get together very often. An FB is a treat, not a staple. Understand that sexual familiarity breeds scheduling contempt. Put another way, absence makes the hard grow yonder.

Here’s what the successful FB relationship requires:

  1. A mutual physical obsession. It won’t work if only one of you is into the other’s body. That’s called marriage.
  2. A mutual disinterest in seeing each other outside the bedroom. It won’t work if you want to have dinner. That’s called dating.
  3. A mutual disinterest in doing platonic things, like running around with your buddies. That’s called friendship.
  4. A mutual agreement to play hide the salami in secret. If it’s not a secret, it won’t last. That’s called gossip.
  5. A mutual agreement to leave as soon as you’ve both ejaculated. No lingering, no cuddling, no post-coital heart-to-hearts. That’s called lesbianism.
  6. A mutual agreement to having sex no more than once a month or so. Although that’s also called marriage.

It’s hard for two men to agree on the last six points. That’s why long-term FBs are so rare.

About three and a half years into it, I had the first real conversation with my FB about our relationship. We both agreed the reason it lasted so long is that we have a profound understanding that sex is the only thing that binds us together.

And then I f–ked him senseless.