Hey Woody!

I’m not even close to getting laid as much as I want to and I’ve been thinking maybe I’m just not that hot.   I can’t ask people I know, cuz, well, they wouldn’t be family or friends if they didn’t lie, right?  So how do I find out what my real f–kability quotient is?  How do I get an unbiased opinion of what I look like?

—   Wanting to Know

Dear Wanting:

Your friends won’t critique your physical appearance?  Mine won’t shut up about it.

Are you sure you’re gay?  Being heterosexual isn’t just an unnatural attraction to women, you know.  It’s also the total absence of male friends yapping at your fashion sense.

“How F–kable Am I?” is the gay version of “What’s the Meaning of Life?”  Straight people think Rodin’s famous sculpture, “The Thinker,” symbolized man’s contemplation of his nature.  Please.  He wasn’t thinking, “Who am I?”  He was thinking, “Would I do me if I saw me walking down the street?”

Rodin didn’t have the Internet to find out but you do.  Try sites like and They are virtual beauty pageants that post your picture and invites sadists like me to vote on your attractiveness by clicking on a scale from one to ten.

Hey Woody!

I grew up masturbating with Vaseline and I still like to use it, even for f–king.  If I’m careful that it doesn’t rip the condom is there any harm in using it?

—   The smell makes me hard

Dear Smell:

You might not know the condom ripped until it’s too late, and make no mistake about it, it will rip.  Stick with water-soluble lubes.  “Water-soluble” is a fancy way of saying the lube washes away easily with water.   Either that or it means you can get herpes from drinking tap water.  I forget.

Vaseline isn’t water-soluble.  It’s a petroleum jelly.  It’ll stick to you like that 18-year-old you plugged just to say you did him but now he won’t leave you alone.

Anyway, forget Vaseline.  You might as well put the condoms in a blender and hit the puree button.  Besides, there’s another reason not to use Vaseline: it promotes infection.

Why?  Because it’s hard to wash off with soap and water.  And that means whatever gets trapped in the Vaseline, like infection-causing bacteria, stays way past its welcome.  You know, like your last late night mistake.  You want to get rid of the little buggers as fast as you can or they’ll make your life miserable.

If you really insist on using Vaseline, then use it with condoms made out of polyurethane, which doesn’t degrade when it comes in contact with oil.  Many people claim polyurethane condoms transmit sensation better.  The problem is choice.  There are only two condoms made of polyurethane—the Avanti male condom and the Reality female condom.

Read Woody’s new mindful eating book, Eat It Later. Mastering Self Control & The Slimming Power Of Postponement.  LINK: