Hey Woody!

I’m a cop, and I get more respect for being gay from straight co-workers than gay acquaintances. Why are gay men so suspicious of gay cops? I guess part of it is that I work for the DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) and though I’ve never done a bust in a gay bar, all the bartenders know who I am and spread it around. Sometimes when I walk in, the place parts like the Red Sea. People who don’t know I’m a cop hit on me, but when they find out they disappear without a trace. When I go out to the bars I don’t go to case the joint, I go to party and have a good time. Can you help us gay cops? Any suggestions for making our hunting a little happier?

— Cop no attitude

Dear Cop:

Well, this isn’t exactly sex advice you’re asking for but I was so taken with the visual (guys circling like vultures then scurrying like rats) I figured what the hell.

First thing is, you need to find new bars. I believe in skiing downhill, not up. If that’s not possible, then make friends with the bartenders. Get to the bars a little earlier and chat them up when they’re not so busy. Disarm them (with your charm, not your gun) and let them see you’re there for the beef, not the arrest. And be sure to leave big fat tips. Reduce their fear and they’ll reduce the gossip.

Third, and most important, Duhmaster General, don’t tell people what you do for a living while you’re in the bar. Christ, I hope you’re smarter in your stakeouts than you are in your cruising.

I’d be nervous too if I met a cop in a bar. Aside from the drugs, any intelligent person who’s been drinking thinks about the possibility of a DUI. Meeting a cop in a bar would blow anyone’s anxiety off the chart.

I suspect you’re flirting with a little victimhood here. If you know saying you’re a cop is going to freak people out, why do you tell them? So you can whine about how guys reject you?

Tell them when you get home.

 

Hey Woody!

My salmon is sagging. It used to point toward the ceiling when it got hard, now it droops at a ninety-degree angle. Is this normal as you grow older or should I be worried?

— Party-drooper

Dear Party-drooper,

Getting older sucks. Women get sagging tits, men get droopy d–ks, and drag queens get tapes that skip.

Here’s why d–ks hit bricks: As you age, less blood rushes into the penis because the arteries narrow. Then the suspending ligaments decide to loosen up. Both work together to lower the angle of your dangle.

There’s a couple of things you can do to help willie reach for the sky: First, lose weight. Excess fat along the stomach and base of the penis interferes with the upward angle.

Second, exercise the muscles that angle the penis upward when they’re flexed. Squeeze the muscles that stop urination. Do it hundreds of times a day.

Third, get hotter guys. Or better p-rn. An 80-year-old can have the angle of an 18 year-old if he’s stimulated enough.

Ask Woody a question at needwood@mac.com.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.