Sex After Kids Grow Up

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Hey Woody,

After years of muffled lovemaking because of the kids we adopted, my partner and I haven’t had much time or opportunity for spontaneous hanky-panky. But now that they’re gone most of the year (boarding school) my partner and I have the house to ourselves. Problem: He’s boring. How can I get him to rediscover our pre-children passion?

– Bored but Horny

Hey Woody,

After years of muffled lovemaking because of the kids we adopted, my partner and I haven’t had much time or opportunity for spontaneous hanky-panky. But now that they’re gone most of the year (boarding school) my partner and I have the house to ourselves. Problem: He’s boring. How can I get him to rediscover our pre-children passion?

– Bored but Horny

Dear Bored:

Ask him. If he says he doesn’t know, tell him to make it up. It’ll take the pressure off of giving the answer he thinks he’s supposed to give and free his imagination to connect with his true desires. Asking him what he needs and wants is critical. You’re not going to know where to go or what to do unless he gives you directions. The same goes for you. You need to tell him what you want so he knows what to say “NO” to.

I kid. If you want to rekindle your sex life you’ve got to re-awaken his senses. The best way to jump-start the process is to take a sexual inventory. Get together and make a list of every position, fantasy, act, role, toy, or location you can think of. To the right of that list write “Cold, Cool, Lukewarm, Warm, and Hot”. Now go to separate rooms in the house and mark the temperature each act or fantasy brings out in you. Then get together and compare notes. You’re both going to be very surprised at what you’ll discover. Make a pact to try everything you’ve both labeled “lukewarm, warm and hot.”

What if you’ve labeled something Hot and he’s labeled it Cold? Time for sexual reciprocity. Meaning, “If you do my ‘Cold’ I promise I’ll do your ‘Hot.'” That kind of compromise will build trust, enhance intimacy and open new sensual vistas for both of you.

Hey Woody,

I used to be a really faithful lover, but after a year of post-split-up singledom, I find myself being promiscuous and unable to satisfy myself with one guy. How can I re-discover the delights of monogamous sex?

– Whore no more

I hate the word “promiscuous.” I prefer “sexually extroverted.” If you’re being a little too democratic with your genitals (and I insist that you, not anyone else, be the judge of that), then it’s simple: Call a time out. For the next three months, staple your knees together. It’ll give you some time to think, reflect and probably regret some of the hotties you’ll miss out on! But that’s a good thing. Some guys like to medicate themselves with penis so they don’t have to do the harder work that self-reflection and intimacy requires.

Personally, I think you’re asking the wrong question. You can’t “re-discover monogamy” until you have someone to be monogamous with. The real question is, “Why do I keep having sex with men I don’t want to have committed relationships with?” The answer, of course, is because you’re a pig.

Seriously, if you want to change you have to think your way into new behavior and behave your way into new thinking. During your self-imposed period of celibacy you should re-think how and where you’re meeting guys. Not to mention what type of guy. Create a mental equivalent of the kind of guy you want to be monogamous with. What does he look like? What does he do? Is he outgoing or quiet? Once you figure that out find out where those kinds of guys hang out. Love will fall into your lap, but you’ve got to take your lap to the right places.

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