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Hey Woody,

I want to surprise my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary with a sex-related but fairly tame gift. He’s as vanilla as they come so I can’t be doing anything raunchy. Any suggestions?

-Gift guesser

Hey Woody,

I want to surprise my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary with a sex-related but fairly tame gift. He’s as vanilla as they come so I can’t be doing anything raunchy. Any suggestions?

-Gift guesser

Dear Guesser,

Vanilla, you say? I suppose that leaves out any products from Divine Interventions. They’re the folks who put out what most wouldn’t dare put in—dildoes in the shape of religious figures.

Yes, they sell everything from Baby Jesus Butt plugs to the Moses Dildo. If you’re into religious obscenity then this is the place to shop till you drop: Divine-interventions.com

Even that’s a little too much for Woody. Probably your best bet is a “script-tease” blanket. It’s a bedspread with Velcro backing that lets you spell out words. Basically, it turns your bed into a horizontal billboard.

Here’s how to do it: When he’s not around, spread the blanket over the bed just as you would a bedspread. Take the letters that come in the package and make your own message. Could be as simple as “I love you.” Then let him discover it on his own. Imagine his reaction when he opens the bedroom door and sees the bed.

You don’t have to limit yourself to clichés with the “Script Tease” blanket. For instance, it can serve as a great passive-aggressive message board for fetishists (“if you want the boy next door, go next door”), or requests from the diplomatically-challenged (“blow me, bitch!), or a message of religious clarity should you bring home an evangelical (“Jesus loves you. He’s not in love with you”).

 

Hey, Woody,

My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do. He feels rejected and I feel harassed. What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?

-Tired of it

Dear Tired of It,

Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.

The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind. If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings. Here’s how:

1. Be affectionate. When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face. The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (because they’re afraid their partner will take that as a sign you want to do it). But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.

2. Postpone, don’t reject. Never say no without saying when. A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.

But what if he won’t take no for an answer? Pattern Interrupt. You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t. Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO. And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.” Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them. The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?” And then tell your boyfriend the answer.

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