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Hey Woody,

When my 26-year-old boyfriend and I got together (I’m 28) we were at it like three times a day. I was insatiable. But it’s been three years now and I admit I often suck him off just to get it over with. Sometimes when he’s pumping away between my legs I just drift off and think about other things. You can imagine what my boyfriend thinks of all this. He’s become insecure, worried that I might be having an affair (I’m not). He doesn’t understand how I can go from wanting sex three times a day to three times a month. Frankly, neither do I. Plus, he loved that I used to be, as he so charmingly put it, a “really dirty bitch” and now I’m just a vanilla’d up joe. What’s wrong with me and how do I get my sexual mojo back?

– Puzzled in Peoria

Hey Woody,

When my 26-year-old boyfriend and I got together (I’m 28) we were at it like three times a day. I was insatiable. But it’s been three years now and I admit I often suck him off just to get it over with. Sometimes when he’s pumping away between my legs I just drift off and think about other things. You can imagine what my boyfriend thinks of all this. He’s become insecure, worried that I might be having an affair (I’m not). He doesn’t understand how I can go from wanting sex three times a day to three times a month. Frankly, neither do I. Plus, he loved that I used to be, as he so charmingly put it, a “really dirty bitch” and now I’m just a vanilla’d up joe. What’s wrong with me and how do I get my sexual mojo back?

– Puzzled in Peoria

Dear Puzzled,

My guess is that you guys aren’t getting along and you’re expressing your resentment through a disinterest in sex. Remember, power flows to the “really dirty bitch” that can say no to sex. So, bitch, you’re exerting control over your boyfriend by denying him something he wants.

Why are might you be doing this? Remember, what happens at 8 a.m. will affect what happens at 8 p.m. From a non-sexual viewpoint I’d look at the following:

Are you arguing fairly? Most people belong to the “Shoot & Reload” school of communication. That’s where one partner fires a verbal shot and then instead of listening reloads the mental gun so he can fire the next round. Result? Nobody feels heard, arguments don’t get settled and resentments get played out in the bedroom.

What do you need outside the bedroom to be turned on inside of it? Often people who lose interest in sex feel neglected by their partner in other areas of their lives. Is he being affectionate? Attentive? Interested in your life? You need to have a heart-to-hard conversation to identify what’s going on. Get couples therapy if you can’t settle it by yourselves.

Get a check-up. Talk to your doctor. You’re too young to have a testosterone deficiency but you never know. Also, other conditions can affect your libido.

Take a drug inventory. You’d be amazed at how many over-the-counter drugs can cause a temporary loss of libido. And if you’re taking anti-depressants you’re almost guaranteed to suffer from some kind of sexual dysfunction.

Sexually, there are a couple of things you can do:

Recreate Your Past. Couples often complain that “sex isn’t as exciting as it used to be.” That’s because they stopped doing the things that made it exciting—the notes, the calls, the texts, the flowers, the anticipation, the doing it everywhere, the spontaneity. So, do them.

Quickies. When sex starts looking like a chore or you’re not feeling particularly sexy go for quick sex rather than no sex. Why? It’s a lot easier to find five minutes than half an hour. Plus, quickies can “kick start” a flagging libido.

Take a sexual inventory. Likes and dislikes change over the course of the years. Help your boyfriend find out what’s turning you on NOW, not what turned you on then. You may surprise yourself. I’ve seen guys who wore jeans that said “Pillow Biter” suddenly wear T-shirts that say, “Like ’em tighter.”

 

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