need wood

Hey woody!

want me some more man-pussy and I’ve been told I’m not going to get much with my mouth smelling like a sewer.  How do I get my mouth clean-smelling enough for guys to want to put their stuff in it?


need wood

Need Wood?

Tips for Getting Timber –  By woody miller

Hey woody!

I want me some more man-pussy and I’ve been told I’m not going to get much with my mouth smelling like a sewer.  How do I get my mouth clean-smelling enough for guys to want to put their stuff in it?

 —  Tongue-in-a-bun

 Dear Tongue:

Unfortunately you can’t tell if you have bad breath on your own.  Some try cupping their hands to their nose to smell exhaled air. Others try licking and then smelling their wrist.  None of these work.  Your breath can smell like the business end of a donkey and you won’t know it because the body becomes accustomed to its own odors.  That’s why you think your palm smells like roses when it really smells like dick.

 Here’s what you need to do:

            1.         Brush your teeth regularly.

2.        Floss. 

3.        Use Mouthwash.  But NOT standard mouthwashes like Listerine.  Most contain alcohol, which dries your mouth and makes your breath even worse than it started out.  Volatile sulfur compounds (VSC) causes bad breath and they thrive in dry pie-holes.  Look for mouthwashes that contain chlorine dioxide, zinc ion, or sodium chlorite–they’re the only formulas that actually neutralize VSC.   Unfortunately, dentists are the only ones who sell oral rinses with these chemicals.  You can, however, buy them at sites like Dentist.net.

4.         Scrape your tongue.  You can buy cheap tongue scrapers at any drug store.  If you really want to see something gross, scrape your tongue after you’ve had chocolate or coffee.  Even after you brush your teeth, you won’t believe what comes out.

5.           Suck on mints and d*cks.  They stimulate the flow of saliva and dilute bad breath-causing bacteria.  True, it’s not a good idea to suck on a d*ck while driving or asking your boss for a raise, so maybe switch to gum. 

 A word about these oral rinses:  They can’t penetrate through the plaque on your gums, teeth and tongue so you got to brush, scrape and floss to break up the plaque and give the rinse a fighting chance.  Also, do what those nasty boys in the Treasure Island videos do when they squirt man-rinse in their mouths—gargle.


As you gargle make an “aaaaahh” sound. This will extend your tongue outward, letting the mouthwash cover the back of the tongue where most of the bad breath producing VSC like to squat. 

 Hey Woody!

Every time I suck on my boyfriend’s nipples it gives him an instant erection. He loves that sensation and tries to please me in the same way.  I, however, do not get a response from nipple play. We’ve tried a few different techniques but it seems my wiring is defective. My boyfriend is older than I, so I’m hoping I can grow into it. Will I ever get hard from a little nipple nibbling, or will my wires be dead forever?  

—  Despondently Disconnected

 Dear Disconnected:

Asking why your boyfriend’s nipples are sensitive but yours aren’t is like asking why some guys like to get f*cked and others don’t.  The reason?  BECAUSE. 

 Having said that, there are a few things you could try:

 1.     Go Soft.  Buy an art or makeup brush and “draw” the nipples back and forth.

2.      Go overboard.  Have him put nipple clamps on you.  Start slow, breathe deeply, and then have him clamp down so hard you can barely stand it.  Soon, the nipples will go numb.  Remove the clamps and it will sear, burn and the nipples will be sensitive to the slightest touch or vibration.

3.      Suck hard.  Try nipple suction devices.  Some swear by the ones that come with snakebite kits.

4.      Get pierced.  A lot of people find that nipple piercings dramatically increase nipple sensitivity. 

The only way you’re going to find out is to try.  One man’s pain is another man’s pleasure.