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NeedWood-bannerHey Woody,

I’m a true fag hag.  I was married for a minute, had my pretty dress and my party and now I’m over it.  About 95% of my friends are gay men.  Hell, my ex-husband probably is too.  I love my gay friends dearly and trust them completely. My best girlfriend (also a hag) and I had been considering…

NeedWood-bannerWhy Straight Gals Love Gay Guys

Hey Woody,

I’m a true fag hag.  I was married for a minute, had my pretty dress and my party and now I’m over it.  About 95% of my friends are gay men.  Hell, my ex-husband probably is too.  I love my gay friends dearly and trust them completely. My best girlfriend (also a hag) and I had been considering writing a book called, “Diary of a Hag.”  Then I looked into creating a website instead.  While researching what was already out there, I was MORTIFIED to come across chat rooms and websites full of self-proclaimed hags, telling about how they were “in love” with their boys, or actually having (or trying to have) sex with them (I believe rufies are illegal, honey).

Woody, please tell me these are isolated incidents involving misguided women at best, stalkers at worst.  Or is this a widespread problem in the gay community?  I know YOU’RE the advice columnist but allow me to help you out.  Ladies, a couple of things to keep in mind about your gay friends:  Unless you have a penis, he doesn’t want you.  Expect to share beauty secrets, not body fluids.  They will not try get into your panties no matter how hard you try.  Unless you’re not home.  So keep the drawers locked.

— Hag Extraordinaire

Dear Hagmeister:

I never see a problem in anybody being sexually interested in gay men.  I only see opportunity: Like getting fag hags to introduce me to their brothers.

Of course, there are lots of women who want to put a thigh-lock on their gay “friends.” But so what?  

What mystifies me about fag hags is that they actually believe dating gay men would be a warm, healthy, nurturing experience.

Imagine the surprise on women’s faces if they could actually date the gay men they’re hagging on. Here’s what would happen:

• She’d open the door and the gay guy would have a flower in his hand. He opens his mouth and she knows he’s about to tell her how pretty she looks. But he doesn’t. The flower droops, his eyebrows narrow, and all she hears is, “You’re not going to wear THAT to the theater are you?  He pokes and prods her all the way back to the closet where he finds something that won’t embarrass him.

 

  • The relationship has been gaining momentum for months and she knows he’s about to pop the question at a fancy restaurant.  He does.  “How do you want to split the bill?” he asks.  “You ordered three cocktails; I only had one.”

 

  • You call your new fag boyfriend to see if he can fix the leaky faucet in the sink.  Straight men would come right over.  The gay guy can’t.  He’s having his chest waxed.  Would tomorrow be okay?

 

  • You’re sitting together watching TV and he gets up. He asks you something and you’re sure it’s the question no woman has ever heard a straight man ask (“While I’m up can I get you anything?”). Happily, it is. You ask for a Coke. He looks you up and down and says, “You mean, a DIET Coke, right?”

The preposterousness of straight women believing gay men would be heaven to date reminds me of something Roseanne Barr once asked of lesbians in her audience:  “What do you know about hating men?  You don’t have to f*!k them.”

It’s the same thing here.  What do straight women know about loving gay men?  They don’t have to date us.  

The truth is we really are sensitive and caring to the women we have as friends.  But to the men we date, we’re downright Kevorkian.  

Thanks for the compliment, ladies, but I wouldn’t be so quick to idealize us. 

 

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