Need Wood: Questions from the Vault

Hey, Woody!

Why do men have nipples?  Do they serve any purpose other than driving me nuts with desire?

—  Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Nipples are nature’s insurance policy.  See, at conception Mother Nature doesn’t really know whether she wants to make us girls or boys so she gives everyone nipples.  Once she stirs in the Y-chromosomes and bathes us in testosterone, men’s nipples become useless decorations while women’s nipples become bottle caps for breasts.

Nipples are a sign that we men started out as girls.  It’s just that some of us stayed that way.

Hey, Woody!

I freaked when I jerked off the other day because there was blood in my semen.  It hasn’t happened again, but I’m worried it will.  Is this a sign of something serious?

—  Palmed out

Dear Palmed:

You experienced ‘hematospermia’—blood in the ejaculate.  It’s more of a scare than a problem.  In half the cases there’s no known cause for it.  If it doesn’t happen again, don’t worry about it.  But if it does, quit punching the monkey and punch your doctor’s number.  It’s most likely a prostate infection easily treated with antibiotics, but sometimes it’s a symptom of something more serious.

Hey, Woody!

You talked about aphrodisiacs in a past column but you never mentioned “Spanish Fly.”  I hate to admit my own ignorance (although I’m sure you’ll gleefully point it out) but what exactly is “Spanish Fly” and does it work?

—  Hold the Bug Spray

Dear Hold:

“Spanish fly” works all right.  It’ll give you a killer erection.  And I mean that.  Take too much and it’ll kill you.

Yes, yes, I know.  Death is a small price to pay for a steel-hard erection, especially if you’re in the middle of a dance floor and it gets people to look at you.

Spanish fly, or cantharides, is extracted from dried beetle dung.  Yum.  It causes a rush of blood to your d–k but for all the wrong reasons.  It’s a poison that irritates genital membranes.   And guess what it’s most commonly used for?   Removing warts.

Hey, Woody!

I’m a collector of sexual trivia.  Got any you think would be worthy of my collection?

—  D–k Data Darling

Dear D–k:

How about these two?  First, Napoleon’s genitals were purchased at an auction in 1972 by the former chair of the urology department at NYC’s Columbia-Presbyterian Medical center.  The mummified penis, dubbed “the shriveled short-arm,” went for $3,000.

Or how about this one?  In ancient Greece, athletes would stretch their foreskin over the top of their penis and tie it off to prevent themselves from jerking off, thus “saving” their energy for sport.

Hey, Woody!

I drink a lot and sometimes when I bring home a hottie from the bar my crotch goes cold.  Is there anything I can do to keep willie from going AWOL without sacrificing liquor?   I ain’t giving that up so don’t even go there.

—  Hoping you won’t say “AA”

Dear Hoping:

The best way for drunks like you to pound away at your tricks is to pound a glass of water for every alcoholic drink you throw down your gullet.   Without the water, a 150-pound man can have about 3.5 drinks before seeing his willie go nillie.