Hey Woody,
My boyfriend suddenly seems distant in bed—like he’s just going through the motions, if he goes through them at all. I’m so afraid that he’s falling out of love with me. I know I should talk to him but he’s not the talking kind and frankly, neither am I. Do you think his change in sexual behavior is a sign that he’ll soon kick me to the curb?
Hey Woody,
My boyfriend suddenly seems distant in bed—like he’s just going through the motions, if he goes through them at all. I’m so afraid that he’s falling out of love with me. I know I should talk to him but he’s not the talking kind and frankly, neither am I. Do you think his change in sexual behavior is a sign that he’ll soon kick me to the curb?
– Dead Bed
Dear Bed Head,
No, I think it’s a sign that you two mutes need to talk. The only problem silence ever solves is in the library.
Don’t assume that a lack of interest is a lack of love. It’s not always about you. Let me repeat that because you’re gay and all the mirrors you’re holding up probably deflected what I wrote from your eyes: It’s not always about you.
If he’s changed the frequency, passion or interest in sex it could be a sign that he thinks you’re as exciting as a Kansas zip code. But it’s most likely circumstances that changed his behavior in bed. Take stress. That’ll give anybody’s d*ck a flat tire.
I remember once working for a company that rumbled with rumors of bankruptcy. I didn’t want to worry my boyfriend so I kept it to myself. Actually, my d*ck kept to itself because no matter how many times I yelled, “Showtime, Mr. Happy!” he just wouldn’t perform. When I finally shared the problem and my boyfriend helped me through it (the company did go bankrupt, btw), I became my old self—a lewd, loud and lecherous horn-dog who kept calling his boyfriend by the wrong name just to piss him off.
The biggest sign that something’s wrong with the relationship is if he starts taking care of himself physically but ignores you sexually. If that’s the case don’t let the clue bat hit you in the face: He’s fallen out of love with you and into lust with someone else.
There are smaller signs, too:
* He fakes his orgasms by spitting on your back.
* He suddenly thinks foreplay is a golfing term.
* He has to drink a lot before climbing in bed.
* He starts acting like an underpaid gigolo.
Remember, what your boyfriend does on the way to the bed is more important than what he does in it. Is he still affectionate? Does he pay attention to you? Is he respectful? Does he want to be with you as much as he wants to be in you? If so, then sit down and have a chat. Boyfriends shouldn’t just be all over each other in bed—they should be leaning on each other outside of it. My advice? Quit guessing and ask him if he’s stressed out about something you can help him with.
Hey Woody,
Whenever I’m in the bars, I always feel the need to say something clever if I hit on somebody I don’t know, especially if he’s a hottie. I’m curious, are there any pickup lines you recommend?
– Throw me a line
Dear Throw,
A recent study showed that the worst conversation starter is, “I’m an astro-physicist.” The best one? “What’s your favorite pizza topping?” I do have a “best of practice” pickup line, but you have to be in a very specific situation: If he’s sitting alone and there’s no other chair, then go get one, put it down next to him and say, “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” If he doesn’t laugh, he ain’t worth it. If he does, you’re halfway up his leg.
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