I met this guy online and we have enjoyed each other immensely since we’ve met. The problem is that he feels pressure (from his job), of trying to settle down and marrying a female. He did tell me that he is bi-sexual, but he also told me that he had …
Bi, Bi, Bye?
Hey Woody,
I met this guy online and we have enjoyed each other immensely since we’ve met. The problem is that he feels pressure (from his job), of trying to settle down and marrying a female. He did tell me that he is bi-sexual, but he also told me that he had several failed relationships with women, particularly one that he was engaged to. If I thought he wasn’t worth the time, I would move on, but I am developing real feelings for him. I am uncertain what to tell him as he has stated to me that he does not want a committed relationship. In fact, soon after our first get-togethers he told me he was going to start dating a girl he met. I did tell him then, that I couldn’t see him anymore. A few weeks later, he called me back and asked to see me again (it didn’t work out with the girl). Is it possible that he’s more gay than even HE knows? I know he loves being with me “physically” (he gets an erection if he even looks at me). The question is, how do I get him to love my mind as well? I do not want to allow him the option of dating both worlds. I know this is not fair to me. I do feel that he is the stability to my chaos and I could find solace in finding an individual with his character. What do you think, Woody?
— In love, bi-and-bi
Dear Bi-and-bi:
Is it possible he’s “even more gay than he knows?” I think the better question is, “Is it possible that you’re even more of an idiot than you know?”
I’d say yes on both counts. That business about “I do not want to allow him the option of dating both worlds” is exactly the kind of self-serving manipulative piety that’ll drive him away. Why don’t you just strap a rocket on him and light a match?
And what was that crap about him being “the stability to my chaos?” You think being in love with a commitment-phobe who plays sexual Ping-Pong is going to bring stability into your life? Dude, why don’t you just date a bi-polar nitroglycerin salesman? Go sell crazy somewhere else; I’m all stocked up here.
If I were you, I’d run like a Republican about to step on a tax. But if your inner masochist prevails and you want to make it work, then stop whining and pining and start wining and dining. Wring his d!*k, not your hands. You don’t “win” somebody over by playing the loser. Two things to keep in mind:
1. Create Distance not Pressure. When somebody’s ambivalent, a phone call to say “hello” can feel like pressure. I’m a prime example. I need so much space I call up ex-boyfriends and tell them “I need more space.” They say “but we’re broken up!” and I say, “I know, but I still need more space.” My point: Don’t return his calls and emails right away. Don’t ask him out too often. Show him just enough interest so he knows you’re attracted and just enough distance so he knows you’re not a sure thing. Men, like nature, abhor a vacuum (unless it’s a vacuum pump –it’ll make your “thing” look bigger). If you create a space, he will either step into it or walk away from it. Either way you have your answer.
2. Quit trying to marry him. Try dating him. That means shut your mouth and open your legs. You know, like the editorial meetings around here. Check your look and bait the hook. Do it by being interesting, fun and having a terrific life that doesn’t require him to be in it. Bottom line: You can’t pressure a guy into loving you. But you can lure him into it.
