Hey, Woody!
I’m married, got two children and a wife I love very much…
Need Wood: Sophie’s Husband’s Choice
by: Woody Miller
Hey, Woody!
I’m married, got two children and a wife I love very much. I also have a very deep need to be with another man. I have talked to my wife about this, and while she was very understanding, she was also very clear in stating that if I ever cheated on her, I would be out of the picture. She has been more than willing to accommodate me in the bedroom, but I know it is not something that she gets any real enjoyment out of, and that takes the fun out of it for me too. What I’m asking is, I suppose, can this marriage be saved? I want to be involved sexually with a man, but I don’t want to ruin my family’s life. Do I sneak around and hope not to get caught? Or do I keep it in my pants and grow old wondering what it might have been like? Any advice, no matter how harsh, would be appreciated.
— Severely Torn
Dear Torn:
The most fascinating part of your letter isn’t that you’re married and want a man, it’s the line, *“She has been more than willing to accommodate me in the bedroom.”*
What the hell does that mean? Is she f–king you from behind with a strap-on?
You my friend, are on the horns of a dilemma. Luckily, I specialize in horny dilemmas. Before I offer my advice allow me to educate you on the nature of men. There are only two kinds: The kind who cheat and the kind who get caught cheating. I say go for the gold and don’t get caught.
Why cheat? Because she’s giving you an all or nothing choice–repress yourself or leave. You don’t have enough information to make a decision to leave your wife and kids yet. What if you divorce, break your family in half, get clobbered with huge alimony and child support payments only to find out your attraction to men wasn’t that great?
What if you’re not gay? What if you have a mild attraction to men the way I have a mild attraction to cheap jewelry? You might find, like I did, that thinking about them is more rewarding than actually putting them on you.
Your wife has given you a stark choice. She’s in survival mode. Unfortunately, her reaction is going to accelerate the very thing she’s trying to avoid. By shackling you with an ultimatum she’s creating a “forbidden fruit” dynamic that’s going to make you want men even more.
You have three obligations—your children, your wife and yourself. Fail in the last one and you’ll fail in the first two. Ask Hamlet. He didn’t say, “To Thine Own Self Be True” just for the applause. You don’t have to be married to be a good father, but you do to be a good husband. Unless you’re obsessing about d–k. Cheating may be the only way to save your marriage. Ain’t that a kick in the a–?
If you don’t find out what it’s like on the other side you are doomed to a marriage filled with resentment, frustration and rage. You will forever see your wife as a warden, not a partner.
When you’ve got enough experiences with men you’ll be in a better position to make a decision. You have a thing for men. It’s time to show it to them.
